Have you ever found yourself saying “Yes”

…when every part of you was saying “No”?

Maybe you even smiled and acted eager about it—a favor you didn’t have time for, a last-minute work request, or your partner asking you to take on one more thing when you were already tired. The specifics matter less than what happens inside: a split opens between your outer truth (Sure, I’d love to) and your inner truth (I really don’t want to). When you deny your own desires to please someone else, that’s called accommodation, and it’s often paired with passive communication.

At times, it’s wise and mature to let others have their way. But there’s a limit. When giving way stops being a thoughtful choice—guided by your own values—and becomes an automatic habit, it often reflects an unspoken belief: my needs matter less than others’. Over time, this pattern of self-silencing quietly erodes mental health. The antidote is assertiveness, which is the subject of our next three blog posts.

Assertiveness is both an attitude and a skill. The attitude is one of mutual respect—valuing both yourself and others. The skill is the ability to stand up for yourself: stating your feelings and viewpoints, asking for what you want, and saying no to what you don’t—without violating the rights of others. Of all the skills we teach at IOP Services, few are more transformative than this one.

To understand why, let’s look at five common consequences of chronic accommodation: Low Self-Esteem, Resentment, Isolation, Underachievement, and Regret:

1) Low Self-Esteem

A chronic lack of assertiveness doesn’t just reflect low self-esteem—it reinforces it. Our sense of worth is shaped not only by how others treat us but also by how we treat ourselves. When we continually discount our needs and defer to others, we send a message—to them and to ourselves—that we matter less. What may begin as an expression of low self-esteem soon becomes a cause of it.

Over time, this can progress into a loss of self altogether. You’ve deferred to others for so long that you no longer know what you think or want. You become a mirror for others’ desires rather than an agent with your own thoughts and feelings. In The Dance of Anger, psychologist Harriet Lerner calls this process de-selfing. And as the title of her book suggests, when a de-selfed person finally rediscovers their voice, they often find anger waiting—a signal of the self’s reawakening.

2) Resentment

Unassertive people often face a painful emotional dilemma: when they accommodate, they feel resentment; when they stand their ground, they feel guilt. Between the two, guilt is usually the better option. For the unassertive person, guilt often reflects low self-esteem more than a genuine violation of one’s values. Once this is recognized, guilt becomes tolerable—and begins to diminish.

Resentment, by contrast, festers and grows. Left unexpressed, it drains energy, fuels rumination, and can build into rage. When it finally erupts, it often does so all at once—and in ways that damage relationships or credibility. Assertiveness interrupts this cycle by allowing frustration to be expressed early, clearly, and respectfully—before it hardens into resentment or explodes as anger.

3) Isolation

Even when it doesn’t boil into rage, a lack of assertiveness harms relationships by preventing others from knowing the real you. When we hide our needs, we also deny others the opportunity to meet them. Over time, this creates emotional distance—a loneliness that can exist even in relationships that seem peaceful on the surface.

This pattern is especially common in couples where both partners are overly accommodating. On the outside, it may look kind—each person trying to be considerate and avoid conflict—but beneath the harmony lies quiet frustration. Imagine a couple where both want intimacy but, out of politeness, neither initiates. The result? Both feel unseen, unloved, and slightly resentful—and nobody gets what they want.

4) Underachievement

Because unassertive people rarely ask for what they deserve, they often end up selling themselves short. This can show up in missed promotions, unfulfilling jobs, or careers that fail to reflect their true potential. For those who aren’t career-driven, the same pattern plays out elsewhere—avoiding a meaningful relationship, a creative pursuit, or a long-held dream.

The long-term result of discounting your own desires is unrealized potential—another way that unassertiveness fuels resentment, low self-esteem, and regret. Assertiveness doesn’t guarantee success, but it ensures that your choices are your own—and that you remain an active participant in the life you’re creating.

5) Regret

Even when unassertive people achieve conventional success, their accommodation can lead them to succeed at the wrong things. Picture someone who becomes a lawyer to satisfy family expectations when their true passion was art. Assertiveness—or the lack of it—can shape not only individual choices but entire life paths.

One of the most common regrets of the dying echoes this theme: I lived my life according to others’ expectations instead of my own. To avoid this fate, it’s important to practice assertiveness not only in daily interactions but in major life decisions as well.

In the next blog post, we’ll explore how assertiveness is developed and practiced in therapy, particularly within the structure of an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP).